I tried to do the swim/bike portion of triathlon training today and had an utter and complete fail.
Since I couldn’t get my butt out of bed this morning to train with the team, I thought I could be clever and go later in the day.

Well!! Sequence of events:

1. Get to the beach, water looks calm. Putting on my wetsuit, bend over and I hear that horrible tearing noise that NO woman wants to hear – a giant gaping hole just tore open in the back of my wetsuit.

2. Now feeling incredibly fat and self conscious, I peel off the destroyed wetsuit and decide NOT to give up, but go try to swim anyways. I go wade into the water. Feels nice!

3. This part of the story can be shown via pictures (courtesy of Jason Hullinger). GIGANTIC WAVES that were NOT there a few minutes ago now started swelling up from the ocean. I got bitch slapped left and right trying to get past the breakers. Click on the pics below to see larger versions of my misery and shame.

Me vs the wave. Guess who won?

Screw you, wave. I’m just gonna dive under you!

That’s right. Point and laugh at my defeat. Here I am retreating in shame, having lost my swim cap to the ocean.

4. I dragged my body out of the ocean and after coughing out some water and trying to drain my ears, decided to STILL NOT GIVE UP. I was going to go RIDE MY BIKE.

5. Have you ever tried to squeeze a damp body into bike shorts? Especially as a curvy gal? It doesn’t work, OK?? SO instead of suffering additional ‘omg I’m a huge fatty who tore my wetsuit’ misery that would occur in trying to wedge into bike shorts, I said ‘EFF IT’ and decided to bike in my sports bra and skimpy bikini bottoms.

Now, I didn’t get honked or hollered at, AT ALL!! How come I get honked at while wearing cycling clothes, but not while mostly naked? I am taking this as a very bad indicator and my self esteem would be shot if I actually cared.

I did 5 miles on the bike, before the soggy sandy saddle up against my barely covered girl bits complained.

A for Effort, D- for work out.

PS I have sand in my ear 🙁

PPS Please fund my shameful day by donating to the LA Children’s Hospital Oncology division. If it makes you pity me any further, my thyroidectomy scar hurt like a BIOTCH today, too.