The Pros of Having Cancer

So after disclosing that I have Teh Cancerz, people kept saying I could pull “the cancer card”. So while visiting my dad the other day, we had the following conversation:

Me: Daaad. I have cancer. Will you buy me a new bike??
Dad: Sure. What do bikes cost these days? A few hundred dollars?
Me: Uhhh the bike I want is around twelve grand…
Dad: WHAT? NO WAY.
Me: But I have caaaaancer
Dad: No. Go buy me a car.

What a fail!! So I got to thinking, what are the PROS of having thyroid cancer?

  • Post Op: Weight Loss– Unknown. Weight lost after surgery will most likely come back
  • Post Op: Cool Scar– Nope – scar will be barely noticeable and will probably just look like another neck wrinkle
  • Thyroid: Weight Loss– Nope – as I will be taking meds to simulate current thyroid levels, which are OK, no weight loss should ensue
  • Thyroid: No Depression– Nope – same as above. Nothing should change there, either
  • Radioactive Iodine: Special Powers– I very likely will NOT have go to on RadioIodine, but even if I do, you don’t get any cool special powers! No spidey sense. No X-ray vision. Psh
  • RadioIodine: Cool Glow – Nope, no cool glow either
  • RadioIodine: Isolation– Yup, can’t be around humans or even my pets. Wait, this isn’t a pro. It’s a partial pro, if I don’t LIKE the humans, but my cats can’t sleep on my bed with me?? Although being radioactive DOES sound kinda cool…
  • Sympathetic pity– Nope, since it’s such a curable cancer, I am not getting much in the sympathy department
  • Dates – No, in fact, dating life has dramatically decreased from zero to negative zero. Also, I DID try to use the ‘wanna palpate my tumor’ line on a date recently and was met with an emphatic NO. So yeah. Not a good pick up line.
  • Thinner neck – OK, I think this is the first PRO I have come across. Ironically, I was wondering if my neck was getting fat earlier this year. Well, YAY. My neck ISN’T getting fat! It’s just a tumor! asdlfkj oh morbid humor, how I love thee!

Anyways, my friend suggested I come up with a list of “Pros of Beating Cancer”, which surely will have more.. pros…? So far there seems to be very little difference of not having cancer, having cancer, then beating cancer, except the loss of my thyroid gland and a lot of money.

Oh wait, I forgot another pro about having cancer – it’s a fun topic to make jokes about!

2 thoughts on “The Pros of Having Cancer

  1. Pingback: Papillary Thyroid Cancer: A Year Later

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