If only it really did feel that good on those bits.
My butt still hurts from the bumpy 40 mile ride on Saturday.
I don't think this model is a cyclist or over age 18
While wandering through Target yesterday, I glanced over at the women’s clothing and saw the shirt on the right. Now, I took a picture with my cell phone, but looked up the shirt on the website and stole their image for higher quality purposes. I am concerned that the faceless model is truly 16 years old and is a Miley Cyrus fan. The shirt is a hideous yellow that looks good on NO ONE and is cut in such a way that it would make my arms look fat. Damn you, cap sleeves!
While wandering through Facebook the other day, I glanced over at the ads section and clicked through to Apres Velo. I found a shirt that made me chortle (which sounds kind of like ‘hehehe’) and below is a pic. Get it? Behind bars? Like, being jailed? Handle bars? *Queue Chortle* Only comes on the Men’s shirt though.
Finally, a friend sent me the link to a shirt with the image I often use on this blog and the Facebook group. Really? How much more awesome can this shirt really be? It’s crude, lewd and totally on point. You can buy the shirt here. While you are at it, buy me one, too. My birthday is in a few days.
Now THIS is a shirt
Note the difference between the model used for this shirt (tattoos, probably a cyclist, over 18) versus the model from the Target picture (Miley Cyrus look alike, under 18, non cyclist).
Now which shirt would you rather buy and wear? Did I miss any really cool casual cycling lovers shirt?
- While walking on the sidewalk, a “cyclist” on a beach cruiser, coming in from the opposite direction, almost ran me over. I “politely” stated “bikes ride on the road, not the sidewalk”. Her partner made a not so polite comment back.
My sister, who was with me, commented that the cyclist’s boobs probably couldn’t handle the street riding. Her boobs were a step away from springing loose. Poor boobs.
- I aimlessly started to bike today (I usually ride with a plan). I asked my legs “why are you going towards the big hills?”
My legs replied with “We’re just legs. We just pedal. Ask the brain”.
I asked the brain, and it said “I’m not the one steering. Ask the arms”.
I asked the arms and they said “We just hold on to the bars. How bout you use those aero bars and give the hands a break?”.
So I gave up and just biked and enjoyed the breeze. And apparently had internal dialogues with my body parts. - To the dood I passed twice on the 8 speed – don’t think you are all that fast for having passed me. I was stuck at a billion red lights and you took a short cut.
- To the minivan that almost clipped me: Thanks for not killing me. I’d rather not die via minivan. That lacks glory.
Perhaps you saw my review of Team Radioshack Levi Leipheimer. This is another post delving into the hotness of Team Radioshack during week 1 of the Tour de France!
He fills that jersey out nicely
Today’s featured hottie is Jose “Chechu” Luis Rubiera. This Spanish babe makes me wanna shout “Hola!” instead of “Hollah!” with his easy goin’ grin and electrical engineering degree (I love me some engineers).
Stats:
- 5’11″ and 152#, born in 1973
- Has to use meds for allergies and ensure he doesn’t get tested positive for doping because of it
- Signed up with the USPS team because it was “technologically superior” yeah!!
- According to Lance, Chechu is an ‘easy laugher’. Gotta love a man that can smile and laugh, right?
 Showing his sensitive side with a baby kangaroo |
 In his USPS shirt, looking foine |
Got a preference for a pro cyclist over these? Perhaps I am not posting about an enticing gender? Comment with your pick. 
P.S. – It’s hard to find good pictures of these guys. I keep typing in their name + “shirtless” or “naked” but no relevant images of them shirtless OR naked comes up!!! Come on now!!
Sorry male readers, but you can see lots of hot chick photos through out my blog, so this one is for tha ladiez (and guys who like guys) in tha house.
For those that read Bicycling Magazine, a 2010 “Fanguide” of Team Radioshack was inserted into the August edition.
I learned three things from this insert:
1. I am taller than almost every guy on the team*
2. I am heavier than every guy on the team
3. There are some srs hottiez on the team
So I would like to take this opportunity to review a few of these hottiez. Yes, I will continue using a z instead of an s, to emphasize the hawt. I will also intentionally omit Lance Armstrong (who truly has become a one word name person, “Lance”, like Madonna and Oprah) because everyone talks about Lance. Let’s shine some light on the others in the peloton that got Lance to where he is!!! It’s a TEAM sport (unless it’s uh not, like the Time Trials).
awwwww!!!!
#1 Hottie: Levi Leipheimer
Stats:
- 5’7″ (Don’t worry, Levi, I don’t mind shawtiez), 132#, born in 1973
- Got a Patrick Stewart sexy-bald-thing going on
- Animal lover
- Has a bad boy edge to him, with a suspended Twitter account going on!
- Nice blue eyes
- One of the best TT in zee world
Some more pics, complete with crude statements**:
 This is his O-face |
 Is there a delicate way to reference that tongue? |
More hotties to be featured over the next few days!!! Do you have a favorite professional cycling hottie (male or female)?
*I am 5’10″, if you truly wanted to know. In heels, I get up to 6’2″! Dang!
**I am pretty sure my mom doesn’t read this blog, so it’s all good.
Did you know that the naked bike riding events you might see in the media (or perhaps around town) are part of a larger effort!? World Naked Bike Ride.org helps you find local events/rides, and has a dual message purpose of self imagery and anti pollution efforts.
I don't want vaginal goo on my expensive seat
Now, according to their FAQ, “riding naked isn’t especially less comfortable than riding clothed”. I have to disagree. Now, I originally wrote ‘I have to disagree, although I have not rode naked’. But it’s not fair to disagree without truly experiencing something within your control (politically charged comment removed).
So I closed the blinds (in this part of L.A., the neighbors are five feet away and can watch my every move) and made sure my boyfriend wasn’t going to come downstairs anytime soon. Took off all clothes below the waist, got on top of my road bike, and biked down the hall.
Results:
1. My girl bits got smushed and were not happy.
2. My bike seat was also not happy with having a direct genital application upon it’s being (because it has feelings or something, right?)
3. My bike (another inanimate item with feelings) complained of feeling ‘dirty’ and ‘used’, and demanded I clean it’s chain (UNRELATED! and also probably similar to ‘buying her dinner first’)
4. I felt.. awkward.. and uncomfortable.. not just physically..
I figure if you care to bike naked, you will need a different saddle then the one I have.
The World Naked Bike Ride FAQ does suggest getting a gel seat cover to assist in .. genital protection… when riding naked.
So .. would you ride naked on a bike?
And if so, don’t forget the sunblock!
BP is 100% more offensive than naked bodies*
*Part of the World Naked Bike Ride campaign is to pose the question of nakedness being more offensive than BP.
California girls
We’re unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
At your gym
On top
Of the elliptical
-Katy Perry, California Girls, Lightly modified
Tone Tan
Fit and ready
Turn it up cause its gettin’ heavy
Wild wild west coast
These are the girls I love the most
No need for clothes
at the beach or gym
these girls they party
gettin’ fit or goin for a swim
-Part I – Snoop Dogg. Part II – Snoop Spark.
Having misread the gym’s class schedule, I missed the spin class. Having run a 5k on Friday, Sunday and Monday, I headed over to the nice, pleasant, low impact ellipticals (which non coincidentally had Extra! playing on the TV in front of them).
Chicken & the Egg - natural booty or stairmaster addict?
Not only do the ellipticals have the TVs with the better channels, but they are strategically placed behind the stairmasters. Girls with THE hottest asses are on the stairmasters. I’m not sure if it’s because of the stairmaster or they were blessed with beautiful booties, but it’s a great view while on the elliptical. Sure, I date men, but it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a lady’s fine ass-ets while at the gym. Plus, they give me something to strive for. It also damages my self esteem, but we won’t go into that.
I had trouble finding a pic of a chick from behind on a stairmaster. Perhaps I’ll be creepy enough to take a picture with my phone next time I’m at the gym.
Anyways, to continue on with this story…
Behold my amazing photoshop skillz!
The gym I go to (24 Hour Fitness in Hermosa Beach, for the female readers who are probably now paranoid) is less than one mile from the beach. Now, I respect the beach, beach goers, (but not beach cruisers) and the fact that Katy Perry’s “California Girls” song is an accurate reflection of the young women in Los Angeles. But while watching Extra! prattle on about which celebrity has lost the most weight, two girls wander by.
Normally I don’t notice people in the gym, but I noticed these girls.
1. One was wearing a bikini with some sort of beach… tank top… thrown on top of it.
2. The other was wearing a tankini with her boobs almost falling out of the top.
I couldn’t find any pictures that truly represented the boob factor of the tankini girl, so I lightly photoshopped a picture stolen, I mean, borrowed off the internet.
Now, as a large chested female, I take up-top support very seriously. In fact, I think I need to blog about my favorite sports bras, because finding an effing sports bra you can jog in with a D-cup is in-freakin’-possible.
So all I could think of, while looking at these busty females in their no-support bathing suits, was ‘what.. the .. heck!?’. Did they figure they would A. Go to Beach B. Go to Gym C. In that order?
Here I have spent the past few days worrying about triathlon bust-support, and today’s youth just wanders into the gym with NO bust support, ready to sweat?
I really don’t have a conclusion to the post, as I was rather confounded with the inanity of it all. I am not sure what machines they hit up, but for my sake (as opposed to all the heterosexual men and homosexual women at the gym), I hope they went with something low impact. No nip-slip at the gym, please!
Has this ever happened to you? Post and describe, or bonus points if you took creepy pictures with your cell phone!!
So the other day I was biking on a ‘civilian bike path’ (aka people walking all over the BIKE path and ‘cyclists’ trolling around) and a mother and her two children were on bicycles up ahead from me.
Incapable of going more than 5 MPH
Now, my first thought was – ‘yay! Momma takin’ her kids on out a bike ride, all exercising together and cycling’. Then I did my quick ‘safety check’. Both kids had helmets on – momma did not! Granted, she was on a bike that is incapable of going more than 5 MPH, but as a role model, shouldn’t she be wearing a helmet?
Then I started to observe cyclists while driving around town – no one wears a freakin’ helmet in Los Angeles!! Especially those under 25 years old. This was confirmed when I posted to my Facebook, asking the same question. People SCOFFED! SCOFFED!!
Do you put a condom on when you have sex with strangers? If not, then you are probably the type that doesn’t bike with a helmet!
Let’s compare how going “bareback” with disreputable partners* is like cycling without a helmet:
WHERE ARE YOUR HELMETS?**
As promised, here is a picture of how a helmet can be sexy, vanderkitten style:***
Liz Hatch, you make helmets look great!!
And I feel obligated to ensure ya’ll know your helmet should be “standing at attention” (hardee har har), not slopped back half hazardly so your forehead can get some air:
This is why helmets are perceived as dorky
* I am not calling your own personal bicycle a disreputable partner. And if it is, please get it checked out and/or maintained.
** Do not google images using keywords like ‘naked cyclists’ or ‘bareback cyclists’. The results are really ugly. I will have nightmares tonight.
*** Please note that wearing a helmet will not make you look like her. Ever. Or I would be wearing a helmet 24/7
Aight now this post is gonna be about cycling shorts. Not in a review-way, I’ll review specific brands and types later.
Ladies (and I think, gents), NO underwear with your cycling shorts, k? That causes extra friction, and your girl bits, they don’t like fabric rubbin up and rubbin raw.
Cycling shorts (and cycling bibs, which are more for doods who don’t have hips to hold up their shorts) are generally a spandex-y material that death grips your thighs (and makes your inner thighs bulge) and has a chamois (butt padding) insert.
Make sure padding covers your seat bones
Now cheap cycling shorts are going to have a thin chamois. Notice that your biking saddle is HARD? It SHOULD be very firm – if you sink down in your saddle, you will cut off blood circulation on long rides. My daily commuter bike has a plushy bum happy saddle. That is cuz I don’t ride more than a few miles on it. My touring bike has a freakin’ hard saddle (with a nice cut out so the girl bits can ‘fly with the wind’, if you will) so I wear my shorts with a rad GEL chamois (I really dig the gel) or a super padded one.
Also, you can smear your chamois cream (ie. BUTT’r) all up on that pad. PLEASE PLEASE you MUST wash those shorts after each wear!! And don’t loaf around in them after a ride – wash that germy noise!!
Now, I am generally adverse to tanning, but when you are on a 50+ mile ride, what you gonna do? TAN THOSE LEGS, GIRLS AND BOYS!
Sure, still put some sunblock on, but roll up those shorts as high as you are willing, and let the all over leg tan go. Even my guy friend rolled up his shorts to his ‘boxer short line’ so he wouldn’t have a weird tan line to freak out whatever sexy ladies end up in his bed.
BAD for tanning
Now, I DO try to buy the bootiest booty cycling shorts out there, but sometimes they are hard to find with a good lining. That is when you can just do the roll up technique. Don’t feel self conscious about having your thighs all hang out, cellulite and varicose veins. You only live once, ladies. And tanning helps hide imperfections. This way, you are doing TWO things at once:
1. Cycling your way to sexier legs
2. Tanning your way to sexier legs
Now, FYI, you may get honked and/or holla’d at. That is a good thing. It means your legs are being appreciated. Please note this may not apply to guys, but I will honk/holla at sexy biker guys. Ladies, do not be afraid to holla at hot men. Make them feel appreciated.
OK so here is the lesson – when choosing shorts, ensure that you choose first and foremost for comfort while cycling at the distance you want to cycle. You can always roll up later to get those sexy gams even sexier. And don’t forget the sunblock!!
clothing is generally not optional
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