Open Letters to Others on the Road

Dear 18 Wheeler Truck,
Thanks for cutting me off. I know you saw me, but when I slowed down in the intersection due to horrible road conditions, you figured you could take that turn. You are not a small car, but a large truck.

Cold Regards,
Sparky

Dear Hot Dood Cyclists,
I understand that I am ‘slow’ at only 19 MPH with a headwind. I don’t have anyone to draft off of, unlike you people in your fabulous matching spandex and 2010 Cannondales. You could at least acknowledge me at the stop light, I am sure it was my weight that triggered the light. You should thank me for that.

Lewd but Crude wink,
Sparky

Dear Roadkill,
I am saddened by the loss of your life, but can you please decay a little more to the right of the road? I consider you and your entrails a road hazard. Also, depending on your state of decomposition, you take some of the fun out of cycling.
Sympathetically Yours,
Sparky

5 thoughts on “Open Letters to Others on the Road

  1. A while back some friends lived in Inglewood and when riding to and from their house, I passed the same dead possum on the road for probably 3 months.

    also

    Dear People Who REALLY REALLY Need to Get In Front of Me Just to Stop at the Next Light,

    You guys are stupid.

    Love,

    Negi Drew

    • Whilst walking to and fro from school to work as a youth, I passed the same dead dog for about that same amount of time. If only I had a camera, it would have made an interesting time-lapse sequence. Starting as a dead dog on the shoulder of the road, my initial reaction was sorrow for the poor bugger. As the days progressed, my sorrow progressed to revulsion as the bugger progressed from stinky dog, to bloated stinky dog with Aura Of Flies, to deflated, maggoty stank mess. Eventually the stench faded, and the dog became a dessicated leathery pile of bones and fur. The fur washed away, and all that was left was a gradually scattering zone of bone fragments, eventually becoming indistinguishable from the surrounding plant life.

      Dear Roadkill Disposal Squad,

      Please dispose of roadkill faster.

  2. Dear fancy car dude,

    I appreciate that your very fast, very shiny new car is a need to compensate for penis size, but you too are obligated to stop at stop signs. I particularly am fond of you when I'm running across the street at a cross walk, and you feel the need to speed right around the corner in front of me. I'm getting tempted to run into your car.

    Psst, it's still small,

    Broken

  3. Dear irresponsible team training groups,

    I realize that you are more "professional" than me, on my suped up hybrid bike, but please call when passing. I can handle myself enough to deal with going 22 and having a group pass me at 26, but come on we are on a mixed use trail and you want to pass people during blind S curves and under bridges? I don't care how hard I am wanting to train or if I'm going downhill, if I have to follow walkers for an indefinite distance, I will not pass them if I can't see that it's safe. So pray-tell do you think it's safe to pass when you can't see 50ft in front of you?

    Sigh,

    D

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